Take action when you smell smoke!

Let me tell you about a trend I’m noticing and it’s making my heart sing. Men are increasingly seeking therapy before their lives are on fire. Read it again.

The stereotypical male client was traditionally one of two archetypes:

• The man dragged along to therapy by someone else – a partner, a parent, someone worried about them. This usually involved an ultimatum of some kind – the end of a marriage, losing a job, a court appearance…

OR

• The man who tried to ‘keep on keeping’ on until he reached the end of the line. Either he rock bottomed or life felt like a wildfire beyond salvaging. Loved ones were gone, along with anything that gave life joy, meaning or dignity. Therapy was finally embraced like the last fire engine. It put the fire out for sure, but when the sun rose everything else was still ashes.

Thankfully, this is rapidly changing

That’s not to say that some men don’t wait. Often, they’re carrying a heavy load of cultural burdens around not asking for help or figure it out like a man. Women have their own death before dishonour parts to contend with, but often benefitted from feeling ‘permitted’ to share the load with friends, family or professionals much earlier. For all of us, it can be hard to acknowledge our ‘deficits’, when in fact this is the beginning of growth and transformation.

More men than ever are taking proactive steps to sort out their stuff

They are realising:

I deserve this. I deserve to enjoy life, to be appreciated and cared for, to develop my skills, to ask for what I need, to have better relationships with the people who matter to me. I’m allowed to ask for the help and support I need to become the man I want to be.

This will look different for everyone. As an IFS therapist, some of the common drivers I see are:

• A part that can’t relax, can’t ease back and enjoy life because it’s always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
• A well-intentioned part trying to soothe pain or sadness with compulsive behaviours or addictions, then learning that quenching a fire with vodka just makes the flames hotter.
• A part that floods the system every time a partner spends time with other men, even in a professional capacity. It is burdened by the hurt of infidelity in a previous relationship.
• A part that feels confused or crushed by cultural ideas of how to be a man that feel completely alien from everything else he believes in.
• Parts who feel love deeply but struggle to express this in a way that lands with their loved ones. Sometimes these parts struggle to express love and care at all.
• Parts who feel resentful of the weight of expectations placed upon them by partners, children, bosses, everyone! They just want to run away!
• A part who tries hard to be heard by loved ones but can’t understand why every attempt ends in arguments.

Knowing we need help isn’t weakness. It’s wisdom, courage, care

If any of this resonates with you, realise that part of you knows it’s time for change. You’re smelling smoke. Act now and build the life you want. Get in touch if you think I can help.