The hopes and fears of all the years

Some folk may be activated even seeing this post! We can have a heavy cultural legacy around Christmas – the imprint we carry from decades of tradition, expectation and let’s face it, advertising!

As Internal Family Systems therapists, we try to hold awareness of and space for ALL the parts that can come to the surface during holiday seasons. For every part that is present and joyful, other parts may be holding the ghosts of Christmas past or fearing the ghost of Christmas future, with changes looming that may be unwelcome.

The pressure cooker of a family Christmas

For many adults, a return to the family home can feel like a warm embrace, a time machine and an identity crisis all at the same time! We find ourselves falling into the family ‘roles’ or behaviours that were assigned to us, rather than the ones we might have freely chosen. Some old favourites: the helper, the big gifter, the joker, the weeper, the one who stays quiet, the one who starts the arguments or plays peacemaker. For some, Christmas can become a performance of festive cheer that relies on suppressing parts that carry wounds or parts who never get to be who they are. 

For others, there is more shadow than light at Christmas. Parts who were afraid of a home that felt unsafe when young and still carry those scars, even though we’re all grown up now. Parts who carry the grief and loss of a loved one, or the longing for a happier home in the present. Parts carrying the rage or sorrow of financial pressures, addiction, illness, infidelity, a blended family that feels like a warzone. Parts anticipating an empty place at the table next year, or a different table in a different home, or an uncertainty that there will be a new home.

The empty room?

Other people may read this and think: Lucky them. Every emotion can feel amplified at Christmas, and this includes feeling alone or invisible or far from home. It’s easy to see the carloads of visitors arriving at other houses, or the photos on social media of parties we’re not invited to or Christmas trees rising from gift mountains. Meanwhile, we might be looking out through the window, feeling like we’re on another planet of one.

Of course, for some, a quiet Christmas day can be a blessing after months or years in the trenches! They may recognise that we can actually feel loneliest in a room full of people, while still having parts who shame us for not being more like other people or wanting more or not being more grateful  – or not getting what all the fuss is about!

Which is all a longwinded way of saying…

Christmas is complicated. People are complicated. This Christmas, give yourself the gifts of…

• Letting go of expectations of how things are supposed to be.
• Being aware of the parts of us that turn to excessive alcohol or drugs to manage difficult emotions. We’re not inviting parts to shame the parts that crave disinhibition, numbness, the alibi for self-expression or pleasure. We are making space for gentle curiosity about what’s going on and how we can be more present with ourselves and those around us in a different way.
• Radical acceptance of how things are – and yes, this includes permission to be with grieving parts for the time that they need. Let them know you hear them, honour them, ask them not to overwhelm the system or the day, but promise them that you will return to them and be with them, either alone, with a trusted confidante, with a therapist.
• Time out when the pressure is building inside. A walk, a short retreat to another room just to breathe, reset and be with your system. A chance to self-regulate.
• Permission to leave or not go in the first place, most crucially if our safety or the safety of loved ones is at risk.
• Permission to reflect on what you want from this period – what you have, what is lacking, what you want more of in the coming year.

Wishing you and yours love and peace this Christmas

Our lives are rarely Christmas movies, but they are uniquely ours. They are a gift for us to enjoy, share and shape into something closer to what we long for them to be. As you reflect on Christmas, I wish you joy, curiosity, self-compassion and courage. As the year turns, think about your hopes and fears for the months ahead. Get in touch if you think working together might bring your hopes closer to reality.